Chair or Couch

Chair or Couch

Life is hard, deal with it.
—F. Scott Peck

As I get older, this quote seems to gain more meaning. Along with finding this quote more applicable, I am also aware of how far I have come on this journey called life. The title of this post is fitting; it is a question that those of us who have decided to unlock the demons of our minds have to confront.

The first time is always the hardest, and I always choose the chair. It was 1989 when I first sat in that chair. When I close my eyes, I can visualize the room, I can still smell the odor of pipe tobacco, I am transported back—a scared little boy, pissed off and alone. The thoughts that haunted me then held their grip on me until 2021—32 years was long enough.

Through the 32 years, I have seen many chairs and couches, but it was not until 2007 that I was finally ready to start unlocking the rooms of my mind. It took a special person to enter into the picture for me to trust enough that he would not let me fall too deep into the abyss as I went in to kill demons.

I used to collect boxes; I learned it from my mom. In our house, my mom had hundreds of boxes. I never understood until I did. My boxes were mostly all made of wood, carved, and they held trinkets, matchbooks, flowers, etc. In each box, I held the thoughts—a physical place to hold the emotions until I was ready to deal with them. Early in my marriage, my wife asked about the boxes. I made up a story and moved on.

The first time I was told, "It is not your fault," was when I was 30 years old. Those words were the catalyst that started to break down the chains. Those words gave me strength—they were my superpower. Those words allowed me to face the demons and remove their power. One at a time, week by fucking week, I started killing the demons that held me. Some fell easier than others. I am grateful for the support of my wife as I started my rampage—I was not on this journey alone.